A Long Road to Baby Number Two

Becoming a parent for the first time was a life-changing joy for Matthew Chew and Pamela Seow.

“We both love kids, and we were eager to start a family after getting married in 2017. We were overjoyed when we found out that we were pregnant. In 2019, we welcomed our lovely daughter, Lauren, after a smooth pregnancy,” Pamela shares.

Those early parenting days were filled with awe and a growing sense of purpose. So, naturally, when Lauren asked for a sibling, both Matthew and Pamela were motivated to expand their family.

“She had also been asking for a sibling for the longest time. Looking back on the journey, she gave us a lot of strength and was a major motivational factor to keep us going. Both of us knew that we would do whatever it takes,” she adds.

“She requested a sibling with a spirit that was sincere and earnest. And even now, when she plays and engages her little brother, it has reaffirmed that we have made the right choice to go through whatever we did,” Matthew says.

What began as a hopeful plan to give Lauren a sibling turned out to be a far more complex journey than they imagined.

Revisiting the Journey — And Hitting Unexpected Walls

Many couples assume that if they've successfully conceived once, they'll have little trouble when planning for their next child. However, secondary infertility is more common than you may think.

Dr Roland Chieng, a fertility specialist with Virtus Fertility Centre Singapore, says he's seeing more cases of secondary infertility at his clinic.

“The condition refers to the inability to conceive after previously achieving pregnancy or pregnancies without medical intervention,” he explains. “Most of the cases are related to maternal age at first pregnancy, as many couples wait 2–5 years before trying again. Age does affect the remaining number of eggs and their quality.”

That's precisely what Pamela experienced when the time seemed right to try for another child around mid-2021.

“We decided to try for a second child when Lauren was 18 months old and started going to playgroup,” Pamela recalls.  

“When I was pregnant with her, I experienced all-day sickness. I always imagined it would be hard to be pregnant while caring for a toddler at home. I don’t think I could cope, so I wanted to wait till she went to school before trying again.”

But when they started trying, months turned into a year, and then more time passed.

“I was always hopeful because it happened so naturally the first time around. Each month, I’d reassure myself, ‘It’s okay, next month it'll happen.’ We tried for more than a year, and nothing was happening, so we started doing some research and tracking my cycles more closely,” she shares.

Throughout this period, well-meaning questions from friends and family— “When’s number two coming?”—became a source of stress.

“It was pretty stressful having to find replies to such questions. However, I suppose that gave us the motivation to take the next step to see a fertility specialist to find out our options,” she adds.

Moving Forward with Fertility Treatment

“We started with IUI treatment with a private fertility specialist. It was a medicated cycle, meaning I had to take various injections throughout the treatment to boost our chances,” Pamela says.

Unfortunately, it didn’t work out, but it gave them something else: a glimpse into what IVF might entail, and the courage to face it.

“It gave both of us some insights on how to cope with doing injections on our own - both physically and emotionally. For me, this was a big hurdle to cross, even with IUI, which I considered a half-step experience. I always felt that IVF would be my last option because of how invasive it felt. It was emotionally very daunting for me. But after a few rounds, it didn’t feel as scary as I imagined, and it gave me the courage to proceed with IVF,” she shares.

They started confidently with their first cycle, especially after discovering that they had ten good-grade day-3 embryos. Plus, some of their friends who are of similar age and some even older managed to conceive via IVF.

“To me, I just needed ONE of the ten to implant! So, when we failed all our transfers, I was not sure if I could go through it again. The emotional and physical toll was tough for me. It also dawned on me that IVF does not mean guaranteed success. There are many factors involved, and we have to keep trying,” she says.

During their first IVF cycle, a friend suggested they try combining it with Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM) and acupuncture to improve their chances.

“At first, I was hesitant as it meant more needles! Then Matthew suggested going through the acupuncture sessions together. To him, we had already committed to the cause, so we should do whatever it takes to maximise our chances,” she recalls.

They saw Edmund Pang, Principal TCM Physician at EMW TCM, for acupuncture sessions.

“He saw us through our first IVF cycle. At that point, we were very disappointed and unsure of the next steps. It was then that he suggested we see Dr Chieng to try a new cycle with Virtus,” she says.

“We always knew that our runway was limited, as we were already over 35 years old. As stressful as it seemed, it gave us the conviction that we needed to keep moving forward despite our initial setback.”

Navigating Numbers and the Decision to Keep Going

Although the embryologist initially told Pamela they had retrieved more than 20 eggs and potentially about 10 viable embryos, she remained cautious. When only five embryos eventually reached the blastocyst stage, her emotions were a mix of disappointment and fear.

“Every day, Virtus’s embryologist would call to update us. The numbers just kept decreasing,” Pamela recalls. “We were disappointed to hear that, but we took comfort in knowing the ones that made it were of good grades. I prayed things would turn out differently this cycle.”

From the very beginning, Matthew understood that they weren’t just two individuals facing a storm but were riding it out together.

“As the husband, there's often an assumption that we’re more 'detached' because the wife goes through the physical toll. But I made it my job to support her in every other way I could,” Matthew explains.

Pamela adds, “We both knew we had come too far to give up. Though I was the one undergoing the procedures, he took on the responsibility of administering all my injections. I think it was emotionally stressful for him too. I know some women whose husbands couldn’t bring themselves to do it, and they had to jab themselves. I was really thankful — it made me feel like we were in it together.”

Beyond injections, Matthew took charge of the finances for the treatment, managed daily routines, and closely tracked progress. His priority was to shield Pamela from any added stress so that she could focus on the procedures and the physical demands that come with them.

For Matthew, the waiting didn’t end with the clinical success. “The uncertainty doesn't stop there,” he says. “There’s the first trimester, then watching for every scan and foetal development milestone, right up to the final trimester towards a safe delivery."

What kept them grounded, beyond physical and emotional support, was their ability to stay intellectually engaged with the process. 

“Being intellectually present is critical,” Matthew shares. “Pam and I have always enjoyed thoughtful conversations, even debates. The conversations surrounding the IVF journey aren't straightforward. There’s a lot to read, to understand, and to learn. Discussing the science behind the procedure helped us feel more informed, more prepared, and better able to manage our expectations.”  

“I’m very fortunate that Pam and I are aligned in how we deal with challenges — we always look ahead. While disappointment and fear lingered in the background, we countered them with hope,” he says.

The other factor was Lauren.

“She gave us a lot of strength during the journey and was a major motivational factor that kept us going,” Pamela says proudly.

Each setback brought a sense of loss, but they never paused for long. Instead of dwelling on the “why not,” they focused on “what’s next.”

“Every time we failed, we quickly discussed our action plan with the doctors for the next cycle. It allowed us to move on quickly from the disappointment and focus on a hopeful outcome instead. And for me, it also helped to learn from others in fertility support groups,” she says.

For Matthew, it was Pamela’s quiet determination and her willingness to endure each stage of the journey that gave him the strength to press on.

Looking Back with Pride

This journey revealed to Matthew and Pamela parts of themselves — and of each other — that they might never have discovered otherwise.

“How we were there for each other, when no one else knew what we were going through,” Pamela reflects.

“I’m proud of the strength Pamela showed,” Matthew adds. “Proud of the love from my daughter and wife. Proud that we are a family.”

And now, as they watch Lauren play with her little brother, every moment feels hard-earned — and deeply precious.

For others walking a similar road, Matthew and Pamela offer this advice.

“Fertility treatments may seem excessive or unnecessary at first, especially if your first pregnancy was smooth and natural,” Pamela says.

“Don’t hesitate to seek help, even if you’re not ready to start medical treatment. It’s worth speaking to a fertility specialist early to understand your options. And if you do decide to proceed with IVF, learn as much as you can — about the fertility centre, the lab technology, and the support systems available.”

But more importantly, she says, couples should speak honestly with each other and align on their family goals.

“If starting a family and having children is important to both of you, don’t wait. Seek help as soon as you can.”

In Matthew’s words: “Life is lived going forward. But its lessons are learned looking backwards. For the gifts, Lauren and Kieren, we’ve been given, we wouldn’t change a thing.”

And that, to Matthew and Pamela, is everything.

If you or someone you know is struggling with fertility, reach out, ask questions, and know that every journey is unique.